Then and Now

Well it's been 17 days since I posted.

I work at a seafood chain restaurant here in France. There are a lot of lobsters cut in half, oysters, slabs of fish, and traceable Norwegian smoked salmon, IE: fish farmed. There are 13 Amarine's, it is connected to other chains. One is cafeteria style with that mystical french twist where things still get cooked for you on the spot. There are others that feature pizza, house brewed beer, and Mexican cuisine - they've got it all, making this a large corporation in intent and style.

The French: the clients are generally kind and patient, although they occasionally laugh unrepentantly at how I speak and assume I don't understand. I guess I've come to realize that as much as that affects me it displays the ignorance of that person or family, and I realize it is something entirely wanting in them - not I. Have you left your village? The staff do the same - they don't typically laugh but they do assume I don't understand or maybe that I cannot, I just wish they'd try. I notice that perhaps to them it's not worth the effort.

Effort is something that is difficult for the French. Why try? I'm not sure but, I see value in me. But I notice this behaviour not only with outsiders but within the culture as well. And, there seems to be a dog eat dog sort of mentality in these parts. The managers are always barking orders and nipping at the heels of there employees and they will call territory by pissing on each others good name while the others are not around. They are not kind - the French. Or, perhaps this is what comes with the territory of a chain restaurant.

Alas, I dislike my job. Welcome to working life here in France.

France is not for the poor or even the middle class. I feel to enjoy life here in France you have to have a lot of money. Thus for the people who own your average business and/or work in them, life is not kind. I believe it is very difficult and stressful. I've spoken to many people who have expressed how things amongst neighbours has deteriorated in the last 5-20 years, (depending on who you talk too,) and how good fellowship seems to have gone a rye. The Euro has definitely effected the quality of life here in a negative way, the people have less, can do less, and spend less. Makes it hard all around. Perhaps giving up the currency somehow effected the national pride, as it has dissolved the people next door looked less like friends and neighbours and more like competitors.

Maybe it's poverty, maybe it's pain. Perhaps the international sentiments of hopelessness and aggrieviation that are on display all over the planet is exemplified here for me by our cultural differences, or maybe it was all in the lonely planet 'France' book and I could have known had I chosen to believe it. I've always had such faith in human beings.

It's starting to wane. That faith. It starts in myself, Courtney, the human being. If I act, things can change, on the earth, in the universe, and right here in Avignon. If I show kindness, I will be rewarded by an awareness and that kindness will be returned. I believe this to be true.

But, instinctively, I am a biter. I put up with so much for so long and then I start to stomp. I can bark and nip and growl. I can also out and out scrap. But, I'm not in it for that. I haven't grown this long and come this far and gone to this much therapy in order to regress into a teenager. Mean, mean, mean, whisper, whisper, whisper - point that finger. Yes I go to therapy here in France also. You shouldn't say that to loudly in this country - they'll think you're crazy. Or, just incapable and weak - at least I've got someone I can trust to talk to, if she understands me that is.

I am currently trying to find another job. It's spring and tourist season is starting in Avignon. Businesses I've never seen before are rolling up there metal store fronts, tea salons and clothing stores unfurling before my eyes. English is being heard all over town. I have a chance. Smaller businesses in the center of town - I call the crown, let me in!

Don't be thwarted. I have my passion. I have given a healing at a lovely local spa and they were very impressed. I am making up business cards and I am able to work out of their spa, www.kan-spa.fr - I will be called an energeticiene. Also, I have connected with a local business owner (our organic market) and he is willing to install a small area for me and a few of my herbal blends. It's just a who, not a where. And, it's up to me.

Alas, I wish it was 'sans souci' - no problems, here in the south of France - it is not. But I am happier, and I'll continue to hope and pray for a more satisfying existence. For mother nature, for myself, for Atticus, for our families and friends. Let us not defeat ourselves. Here are difficult times - the lessons debate themselves. Does it do me justice to be forced to provide for myself? I am the only one who can truly live up to my own expectations as they are mine.